TORN IN BETWEEN

 “Babe, I’m pregnant!” These three words, yes just three words. They are proof of what was not worth it! To some, these words are a source of joy, celebration, and jubilation while to others, the opposite. It comes with some sense of regret and grim. I think I fall in the latter. But truthfully, I don’t really know how I feel about these words. Strong as they sound, they echo betrayal from my ears to my head in a repetitive circular motion.

I have no doubt that I love her. That I do. But as she says the words with a smile on her face, I feel so disgusted that she bares my surname now. I give her a grin as I head to the room. I’ve heard about a long day at my workplace. Mr. Mutai, my boss, has been on my neck ever since we won that government contract to design a curriculum-based software to be used in primary schools. I am working with a reminder of an imminent deadline.

The pictures of our white wedding on the staircase wall mock me as I head up. I enter our bedroom still lost in thoughts and mixed feelings and come face to face with my biggest mocker… the big painting of me and her on the wall just above our six-by-six bed. It’s a masterpiece. Otis drew it. The two looked cute together in their matching kitenge attires. Figments of that day keep dawdling in my head.

The air was filled with bliss. Come to think of it, it was not just because of the ruracio, but it was food mainly. Nothing makes the icing on the cake in an African event better than food. The mothers were seated at the backside of the homestead making food and engaging in their muchene. Most of it was about me and my groom’s men. Who among us was more handsome than the others and why their daughters should hunt and charm them at the party. Of course, I was not to be hunted. On the other hand, Men mostly consisting of the old men were seated in the tent next to the village priest. Their talks were filled with how the church needed to grow and how they are to start their own fundraiser. Of course, this was ongoing until the priest left. The talk immediately switched to how they were going to lavish themselves with drinks at the local joint after the event. Everyone was happy. We were happy.

It’s been half a decade since the weddings. As expected, her belly was supposed to show proof of our marriage after the honeymoon. But as I said, it’s been five years. It is not that we don’t lavish ourselves on the activities of the inner room. That, we do. And, we do it often. Some might think that we are modern people, and we take things slow as we focus on our careers first. I think we’ve used this as an excuse every time we travel home when the question of children pops up.

 A sense of guilt eats me up as I get back to reality. Why didn’t I just tell her at the beginning that I was sterile? Does she even know that I am impotent? As these questions run through my mind, anger and bitterness surge in like a desert storm. How could she have done this to me? After everything that I’ve done for her. How could she? After loving her unconditionally despite the fact that she couldn’t cook let alone do any house chores. I couldn’t believe that she did this to me! How could she? I know that maybe I had a part to play in all this fuss but still how could she? I think I deserve some slack on why she did this to me. I am obliged to go and confront her fidelity.

From the bedroom upstairs I could hear Chris Brown’s voice playing in our home theater as she and the housekeeper sing along to the tunes. She loves his music. She is happy I could tell. I try consoling myself that maybe it’s one of those TikTok pranks she forces me to see with her. My heart beats faster than my strides as I head downstairs to clarify this issue. Still having mixed feelings, I try to convince myself to have an open mind. I reduce the volume of the playing song and sit next to her. I clasp her hand gently. The housekeeper excuses herself. This is the moment of truth. She looks at me. All the anger and guilt recede. Her eyes glitter and I can’t take mine off hers. She moves closer and I move towards her. Our lips cuddle.